We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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