I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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