did you get engaged???
Just fell off a train. Bad.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize