Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
