I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
