Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
