Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
