the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
