tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
