Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
