I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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