i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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