So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You are a genius and a whore.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
