WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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