walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
