so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
