let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
