i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
