if you like me you must not know who I am
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
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