It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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