And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
