I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
