Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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