he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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