listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
