this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
