Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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