I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
