I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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