My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
