I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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