If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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