I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
