I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
