I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
