I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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