seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
