The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Sober January is a disaster.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
