u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
you never un-have a 4some
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
