Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
