I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
