you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
