I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
