so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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