She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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