I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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