we'll go far in life on tits alone.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I need to calm my uterus...
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
