Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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