it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
