Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I wish there were birth control emojis
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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