if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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