The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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