Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
