Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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