apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Randomize
