you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
