It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
