i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
