after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
