____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
