God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
