she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize