Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
